Checks and Balances

I have been taking a more in depth look at my lifestyle and what my overall life goals are for myself. I’ve discovered the weaker points of my life choices and am currently devising methods of improvement. To be honest I’ve been looking to the weather for motivation. It has been dreary and overcast for more than 5 days. I long for the sunlight, to bask in its glow and warmth. 

In the mean time I’ve been writing up checks and balances to keep myself in order as I try to save money, push myself to try new things, find a a place to live, and think about starting my own business. I hope to discover patterns in my routine that I can edit for maximum results and hope to gain some ground within a few weeks. I plan to keep you posted, as updating my blog is also one of my goals.

Strongest Foundation

My friends inspire me and continue to support me to follow my dreams. I do my best to lived up to their hopes and not let myself down. I’ve not progressed as quickly as I had hoped but I’m not disappointed in myself. I just keep reminding myself it’s okay to dream, as long as I take steps forward and not wait for things to happen.

The Foundation is Crumbling

Lately, I’ve had tons of self doubt, and considering that’s unsurprising. I’ve been dumped via being ignored (brave soul he was, eh?), a girl hired after me has a more secure position than myself, and I haven’t had so much as a blip on the radar about a professional position in almost a month. I KNOW I have to be patient, but I DON’T know how to keep from going crazy/ self sabotaging myself. Trust me I’m good at the latter.

I’ve started a few hair brained projects or hobbies, although I can’t help but wonder if I haven’t begun to feed a compulsive spending habit. I won’t lie; I scare myself a little more every day. I get myself worked up enough that I no longer know my strengths or my weaknesses professionally. I don’t know what I want or even know if I like the person I am.

I do know that whatever I do professional, I’d like it to make a positive impact. If it can’t be positive have it be informative. Basically, after doing business with someone, I want them to walk away with more even intellectually, than when they came to me. I want whatever I create or whatever cause I chose to tackle to stay with them. I just right this second, have no idea how to do that? Or which companies I’d like to work with the most. I weary of searching and I am at a loss of who to ask for help.

Tomorrow’s another day, but there won’t always be a tomorrow. As you can tell I'm feeling very conflicted.

Stop Trying, Just Do

So, I got lost in my own self pity and in a job hunt to fix what’s broken. That is how I think of my job search, a fix to something broken. This is amusing to me because I would argue it’s something much more than that.

Anyway, that’s not really what I wanted to talk about via blog; I want to tell you what shenanigans I’m up to now. After, my wading around in some unpleasant emotions I’ve started to climb my way out. I am only up to 13 minutes straight running, in my training for a half marathon. Every time I run I’m pushing it a minute longer, and building it up that way.

I’ve also begun doodling once again, properly doodling, not my crazy job treasure map as can be found on this site. As of late though I’ve noticed I like to push myself just a little bit further. So I looked up art contests, and found one I’m interested in. I’m hesitant to say too much more at the moment until I find out more, but submitted an application. So, as soon I know more I’ll share all the details and rules.

In the mean time I’ve been practicing drawing, and I’m terrible. Okay, not terrible but there was a time I was better than I am now. My perspectives are sketchy at best, my shading looks like scribbling, and my oil pastels stray outside the lines. Simply, I’m trying to rebuild what little technique I ever had, but I feel like I need help.

Know anything about oil pastels?

Walls: Into or Through

I wrote this extensively descriptive passage about how I’ve been feeling lately and what I’ve been up to, I’m afraid you all will never read it. My computer glitched and it is all gone. The important parts I will try to recreate and highlight but the rest is lost. Often times such as this I vent my feelings, releasing the tension and then the well thought out words are lost.

These last weeks there have been moments of self pity and doubt, random adventures, frustration, surprise visits and healthy quantities of fun.

The frustration is largely due to the continued search for employment. My relatives visited last week for the whole week and I gave myself some time to indulge and enjoy. Therefore when I reentered the hunt so to speak, I was disheartened at my discoveries. I often spend time combing various sites, newpapers, groups on Linkedin, along with friends and family members for information. And until I am more financially stable I have chosen to stay within roughly the 200 mile radius of my current location. Often the positions I’ve come across, I’m under qualified, over qualified, I’ve already applied (sometimes twice, through other sites), or do not fit my goals. After a few hours of this I feel like a blind mouse in a maze just walking into walls.

In the hopes of counteracting not only my exasperation I feel and the idleness that has been created, I wanted to try a new track. I have a book, a required read from one of my professors, I hope by rereading the book I can take what it has to say and somehow make an impact on my situation. The book is called How to Get Ideas, by Jack Foster. It is a little bit of philosophy/opinions mixed in with experiences and processes that are supposed to get you thinking, even problem solving. The author also happens to apply everything to advertising, which is great if I happen to still go that route. Nonetheless I thought I might be able to apply it to my own experiences to create something new, or even just look at my life from another angle.

That way instead of walking into walls, I could walk through them.

Tree Climbing

I tend to have the deepest thoughts at meal time, well when I’m actually eating with others. I’ve been trying to derive a focus for my job applying. I would still love to do almost anything to do with events (except catering, I’ve done that many times) but now I have two branches I’d like to investigate.

Branch One: Non-profit, I really believe that I would strive more and enjoy my work more; if I knew what I was doing was making a positive difference. I want to impact the people I’m working with and for in a positive manner. At the end of the day if I helped them learn something or set them on the path to  learn something, that would be all I would need to feel strong about myself.

Branch Two: (I’ve always wanted to build my own small town business, take an old building breathe new life into it…) I kind of thought I might like owning a bakery… The best way I figured I could decide if this was true was to work in one. So I’ve applied to a few. I would apply to more…but I want to work in one where the bread and cakes don’t come frozen, or prepackaged. I have working in a bakery before, with the frozen pre-made cookies and muffins, it was…unchallenging. I want to work, I want the challenge, I want to get a little messy, and I want to best quality possible to provide to consumers.

Guess I better work on my tree climbing.

Marathon Training Update: I’ve been training at my local Y, about every other day. I’m not yet as disciplined about the times of my routine as I once was, but I’m making progress. My main focus at the moment is being able to run for a half hour straight. I’ve made it to about 25 minutes, before I give in.

Basically right now my whole life is a work in progress.